The One Question That Changed Everything at Bedtime

The evening had been a disaster. Nine-year-old Emma refused to eat dinner, threw her plate on the floor, and stormed off to her room, slamming the door so hard a family photo crashed to the ground.

Her mother Jennifer sat at the kitchen table, head in her hands.

"What am I supposed to do?" she finally asked me. "Nothing works. Time-outs, losing privileges, reward charts — we've tried everything. Sometimes I look at her and all I can see is defiance."

I reached into my bag and pulled out two pairs of sunglasses. One had dark, almost black lenses. The other had yellow-tinted lenses that brightened everything.

"Put the dark ones on," I said. "Look around the room."

Jennifer slipped them on. "Everything looks darker, more threatening. Even those flowers seem gloomy."

"Now try these." I handed her the yellow pair.

"Wow," she breathed. "Everything seems warmer, brighter, more hopeful — though it's the exact same room."

"That's exactly how mental filters work," I told her. "They're invisible lenses for our minds, built from beliefs and assumptions — mostly untested. These filters don't just organize reality. They create it."

You're Not Creating the Problem — But You're Missing the Real Story

Jennifer was looking at Emma through what I call a "defiance filter." Every time Emma pushed back, all Jennifer could see was a child challenging her authority.

But what if there was a different way to see her?

I shared the story of a father named Jason who only saw his son's messy room, incomplete homework, and forgotten chores. Through our work together, Jason realized he was using a "disappointment filter" that blocked his vision of something remarkable — his son was spending hours creating elaborate stop-motion videos with his action figures. Jason had been so focused on the mess that he'd completely missed his son's incredible creativity and dedication.

When Jason put on a curiosity filter instead of a disappointment filter, he started asking questions about the creative process instead of demanding immediate cleanup.

Within a few weeks, his son was more cooperative when asked to clean his room — because he felt seen and valued. The 'behavior problems' softened when his father changed how he was looking.

What Your Child's Opposition Is Really Telling You

Jennifer hesitated. "But what about when Emma flat-out refuses to do something important? I can't just ignore that."

"You're right," I said. "You can't ignore it. But you can see it differently."

Children's opposition isn't defiance — it's often a developmental necessity. Just as muscles need resistance to grow, children need appropriate opposition to build resilience and independence.

Opposition usually signals one of three things: the child is ready for more control over their life, they're facing expectations beyond their current ability, or past hurt has created protective responses.

I asked Jennifer about Emma's biggest areas of resistance. "Getting dressed in the morning, homework, and bedtime."

"Let's take getting dressed. What if her resistance is telling you she's ready to have more say in what she wears?"

"But she'd wear the same princess dress every day!"

"And would that be the end of the world?" I asked gently.

The Boy Who Was Protecting Himself

I shared the story of thirteen-year-old Carl — completely disengaged, avoiding eye contact, interested only in video games. Despite failing academically, testing revealed his intelligence was in the "very superior" range.

Rather than lecturing about his potential, I shared stories about children who had stood up to well-meaning but unhelpful adults. Eventually Carl explained: "I didn't trust you at first."

As trust developed, his opposition melted away, revealing a kind, respectful young person underneath.

Carl's resistance wasn't defiance. It was protection. He'd learned to shield himself from adults who didn't understand him. Once he felt safe, the real Carl emerged naturally.

Jennifer's expression softened. "So Emma might be protecting herself too?"

"It's possible. The key is creating safety first, then understanding what the opposition is really telling you."

Where Attention Goes, Energy Flows

There's a tool that works hand-in-hand with changing your filter. I call it the attention principle: where attention goes, energy flows, and that is what grows.

I told Jennifer about a neighbor's daughter who often left toys scattered around. Instead of constantly focusing on the mess, her parents began noticing and commenting when she put something away. "That was a good choice," they'd say, sometimes adding extra story time.

She started cleaning up more often — not because of bribes, but because she liked the positive attention. The parents weren't making a big production. They were simply shining their spotlight on the behavior they wanted to see more of.

"Right now," I told Jennifer, "your spotlight is constantly on what Emma does wrong. What if you started noticing even small moments of cooperation?"

The Night Everything Changed

That evening, when Emma started to protest about bedtime, Jennifer caught herself reaching for her old defiance filter. Instead, she paused. She put on her new curiosity filter.

Instead of seeing defiance, she saw a tired little girl who might be having trouble with transitions.

Instead of feeling frustrated, she felt curious about what Emma really needed.

Instead of saying "Get to bed NOW," she said softly:

"You're having a hard time saying goodbye to today, aren't you?"

Emma's eyes filled with tears. "I don't want today to be over. We had fun making cookies."

"We did have fun," Jennifer agreed. "What was your favorite part?"

For the first time in weeks, bedtime became a conversation instead of a battle. And Jennifer discovered that Emma's "opposition" had been trying to tell her something important all along.

Your Assignment This Week

Pick your child's most challenging behavior. For one week, replace the question "Why won't they cooperate?" with "What is their opposition trying to tell me?"

Remember that opposition often signals readiness for more control, expectations beyond their level, or past hurt creating protective responses.

Find their flow — notice when your child loses track of time in positive activities. These are clues to their natural talents.

You're not ignoring the behavior. You're gathering better information about what's really happening so you can respond more effectively.

Pay attention: What do you discover when you approach their resistance with curiosity instead of frustration? How does your child respond when they feel understood rather than controlled?

The answer might surprise you — just like it surprised Jennifer.

Dr. B is a licensed clinical psychologist with 35 years of experience specializing in self psychology and oppositional defiance. His 4 LAWS framework has transformed hundreds of families. Want to go deeper? Visit 4lawsacademy.com for free tools, courses, and a community of parents making this shift together.