The Situation Room
Real-life scenarios to practice applying the 4 LAWS in your adult relationships
Session 7: Foundations
Build confidence with self-focused scenarios, friendships, and workplace basics
The Inner Critic
Exclude disrespect from self to self. The inner critic doesn't give you importance—it speaks to you with contempt.
This is a Respect violation—from YOU to YOU.
The inner critic is disrespect. It doesn't give you importance. It speaks to you with contempt. You would never tolerate this tone from someone else—why tolerate it from yourself?
Step 1: Recognize the critic as separate.
That voice isn't YOU. It's a pattern—probably downloaded from critical adults in your childhood. It learned to speak to you the way someone spoke to you (or around you) when you were small.
Step 2: Apply the Respect filter to yourself.
Just as you'd exclude disrespect from another person, exclude it from this internal voice:
- Notice when the critic speaks
- Label it: "That's the critic."
- Don't engage with it, don't argue, don't try to prove it wrong
- Turn away. Redirect attention.
Step 3: Selective inattention.
The critic gets louder when you pay attention to it. Every time you engage—even to argue—you're feeding it.
Practice selective inattention: notice the thought, don't follow it, return to what you're doing.
Step 4: Fertilize what deserves importance.
What DID you do well today? What went right? What are you proud of?
These thoughts get starved when the critic dominates. Deliberately notice and feed them.
Step 5: Set limits with the critic.
You can actually address it directly:
"I'm not listening to this anymore. You don't speak for me. I'm choosing a different voice."This isn't magic—the critic will return. But each time you set the limit, you strengthen the boundary.
Step 6: The Talent connection.
The critic usually attacks your creations. It says your work isn't good enough, your ideas are stupid, no one cares.
This is an attempt to extinguish your Talent fire. Recognize it. Your creations deserve protection from this internal saboteur.
Procrastination and Self-Sabotage
You're not earning the life you want, and your creative fire is being smothered by consumption.
This is a Responsibility violation against yourself—you're not earning the life you want.
Also a Talent violation—your creative fire is being smothered by consumption.
The Other Side: Too Much Fire
There's another variant: being so consumed by your talent that you put off responsibilities in other areas. You have so much fire that you leave everything else for later. This happens to people who love hobbies more than anything else—could be video games, could be model racing cars, could be playing music, could be building something you believe in. It's too much fire to even sleep.
The solution: Allow yourself to finish an important segment that draws you, then compensate by getting caught up and returning to your Smart Day routines.
The Smart Day Principle
Whatever you do today, you will likely do tomorrow. If you scroll today, you'll scroll tomorrow. If you create today, you'll create tomorrow. The patterns become automatic and effortless—which is why procrastination feels so easy once it's your default.
Step 1: Design one "Smart Hour" first—not a Smart Day.
Don't try to overhaul everything. Choose ONE hour of your day to do with excellent form. Morning is best—before the day erodes your willpower.
In that hour: do the most important thing. No phone. No email. Just creation.
Step 2: Make the good choice easier than the bad choice.
- Phone in another room during your Smart Hour
- Gym bag packed and by the door
- Healthy food prepped; junk food not purchased
You're not fighting willpower—you're designing the environment.
Step 3: Connect the task to your Talent fire.
Procrastination often happens when you've lost WHY. Why does this project matter? What creation are you working toward? What dream does this serve?
If you can't find the WHY—maybe it's not your work to do.
Step 4: Apply Responsibility to yourself.
You must earn what you want. The body you want, the project you want, the life you want—they're earned through daily deposits, not wished into being.
Step 5: Exclude the guilt. Fertilize the wins.
Guilt feeds the monster. When you slip, don't spiral into self-attack. Just return to the Smart Hour tomorrow.
When you DO show up, notice it. "I showed up today." That's the pearl. Feed it.
The One-Sided Friendship
They're not giving you due importance AND they're not earning the friendship.
This is a Respect violation—you're not receiving the importance you're giving.
Also a Responsibility violation—they're consuming the friendship without contributing to it.
See the Order of Importance in the Law of Respect chapter for understanding how to properly value relationships.
Step 1: Stop over-functioning.
Stop initiating. Stop being available every time they call. Stop filling the silence when they don't reach out.
This isn't game-playing—it's data collection. Does this person pursue connection with you, or only accept it when you offer?
Step 2: Observe what happens.
When you stop initiating, some friendships naturally balance. They step up because they value you.
Others simply fade. That tells you the truth about what you meant to them.
Step 3: The Respect filter.
When they DO call needing support, you're not obligated to provide unlimited emotional labor. Set gentle limits:
"I can talk for about 15 minutes—then I have to go." "That sounds really hard. Have you thought about talking to a therapist?"You're not their therapist. You're their friend. Those are different roles.
Step 4: Ask for what you need.
"Hey, I've been going through something and could use a friend to listen. Can we get coffee this week?"Their response tells you everything. If they show up—fertilize it. If they dodge—data collected.
Step 5: Reduce investment to match theirs.
A friendship should be roughly reciprocal over time. If you're putting in 90% and getting 10%—adjust your investment to match theirs.
This might mean the friendship fades. That's okay. You're making room for friendships that nourish you.
Step 6: Grieve if needed.
Realizing a friendship was one-sided is a loss. Feel it. Then redirect your energy to relationships that reciprocate.
Friend Violating Boundaries
Your right to privacy and dignity is being crossed, AND they're dismissing your feelings when you raise concerns.
This is a Limits violation—your right to privacy and dignity is being crossed.
Also a Respect violation—they're dismissing your feelings when you raise concerns.
Step 1: Name the specific behavior clearly.
Not: "You're disrespectful."
Instead:
"When you shared what I told you about my marriage with the group, that wasn't okay. I told you that in confidence."Specific. Factual. Not about their character—about their action.
Step 2: State your need.
"I need to be able to trust that what I share with you stays between us." "I need jokes about me to stay out of group settings."Step 3: Name the consequence.
"If it happens again, I'm going to step back from the friendship for a while. I'm not willing to feel embarrassed or exposed."This isn't a threat—it's information about what will happen.
Step 4: The Respect filter for "too sensitive."
That's a respect violation ON TOP of the original violation. They're dismissing your feelings.
Response:
"I'm not asking you to agree that it's a big deal. I'm telling you it matters to me. What you do with that is up to you."Then drop it. You've been clear. Now their behavior tells you what they choose.
Step 5: Follow through.
If the behavior continues—follow through on the consequence. Take distance.
If they reach out and genuinely apologize (not "I'm sorry you were upset" but "I'm sorry I did that")—consider rebuilding.
Step 6: Recognize when history isn't enough.
Long friendships can accumulate patterns that were never okay. "We've been friends forever" isn't permission to violate your boundaries.
Some friendships need to evolve. Some need to end. Let the evidence guide you.
Boss Crossing Boundaries
Your right to personal time and sustainable work is being violated.
This is a Limits violation—your fundamental right to rest, personal time, and sustainable work is being crossed.
Step 1: Clarify your own limits internally first.
Before you can enforce, you need to know: What IS acceptable? What's your actual boundary?
- Emails after what time won't get responses until morning?
- Which personal commitments are non-negotiable?
- What's the maximum sustainable work week for you?
Step 2: Enforce through action, not confrontation.
You don't need to have a dramatic boundary conversation. Just… stop responding at 10 PM.
Set your phone to Do Not Disturb. Respond to late emails first thing in the morning. If asked, be matter-of-fact: "I saw that come in late. Here's the answer."
Step 3: For lunch meetings and weekends—offer alternatives:
"I have a commitment during lunch. Can we do 2 PM instead?" "This weekend doesn't work. I can do Monday morning."Notice: You're not explaining or justifying. You're offering alternatives.
Step 4: If pushed, name your need calmly:
"I've found that to do my best work, I need to protect some personal time. I'm fully committed during work hours. But I can't be effective if I'm always on."Step 5: The Respect filter:
If they pressure or guilt you, exclude it. Don't absorb their urgency as your emergency. Filter toxic expectations.
Step 6: For extreme cases—document everything.
Know your rights as an employee. Save emails and other communications. Use recording devices where legal. Document every excess and gather evidence of violations.
→ See Session 6: Sanctuary Protocol for handling covert violations
If the culture truly won't allow boundaries:
This is data about whether this job serves your needs. Law of Talent says your work should connect to your vocation. If this job is destroying your health and relationships, the cost of staying may exceed the cost of leaving.
Colleague Taking Credit
This is THEFT—a covert violation of your intellectual property. They're taking without earning (Responsibility), you're not receiving due importance (Respect), and your rights are being violated (Limits).
This is theft of credit—a covert violation of your intellectual property.
They're possessing recognition they didn't earn (Responsibility). You're not receiving due importance (Respect). Your rights are being violated (Limits).
Step 1: Document everything going forward.
Email summaries after conversations: "Following up on my idea to [X]—here's my plan."
Share ideas in writing first. CC your boss when appropriate. Create a paper trail.
Step 2: Make your contributions visible.
Don't wait for credit—claim it in the moment:
"Building on the approach I developed last month…" "When I first proposed this in March…" "The framework I designed does X…"This isn't bragging. This is accurate attribution.
Step 3: If it continues, address directly (private, calm):
"I've noticed a few times where ideas I originated have been presented without attribution. I need that to change. I'm happy to collaborate, but I need credit for my contributions to be clear."Step 4: The Respect filter:
If they deflect with "We're a team"—filter it. That's not teamwork; that's theft. A team acknowledges individual contributions.
Step 5: If direct conversation fails—escalate appropriately (in writing):
"[Boss], I want to clarify something. The [X] approach that's been discussed—I want to make sure you know that originated with me. I'm happy to continue developing it, but I wanted to be sure attribution is clear."Put it in writing. Create documentation.
The Talent connection:
Your work is your creation. Someone taking credit for your creation is stealing your talent's output. Protecting it isn't petty—it's respecting your own creative fire.
Session 8: Advanced
Navigate complex dynamics in couples, family of origin, and existential challenges
The Silent Treatment Standoff
They're excluding you from importance; you need to filter and adjust the Order of Importance.
First: Understand what's happening.
The silent treatment is a respect violation—they're excluding you from importance. But chasing them, begging for forgiveness, or demanding they talk is also a respect violation (giving them too much power over your emotional state).
The Critical Principle: Don't announce—just DO.
When you enforce, obey, or cultivate one of the 4 LAWS, you don't need to talk about it. You do it.
Saying something like "I notice you're still upset. I've apologized and I meant it. When you're ready to talk, I'm here. Until then, I'm going to continue living my life with good energy" is like asking permission. In the language of 4 LAWS, you're feeding the Monster.
You don't explain to a person being filtered out because of their disrespect. You talk AFTER they return.
→ See the Order of Importance on the Couples page
The shift—lower them in the Order of Importance:
You don't wait 3 days to respond. You change the order of priorities immediately. Make something else the most important thing. Don't announce it. Just do it.
Apply the Respect filter to yourself:
- Exclude their coldness from affecting your day
- Don't punish yourself for their silence
- Maintain your own warmth and routine
- Give importance to what deserves it (your work, your children, your health)
The Natural Law of Balance:
Give the importance they give you. When they approach you with importance, you include and give importance to balance. Mirror what they offer.
Apply the Respect fertilizer when they're ready:
When they finally approach you—even with residual frustration—give full importance. Listen completely. Don't say "Finally!" or "I've been waiting." Just engage.
If it continues for weeks—watch for covert violations:
When a negative attitude lasts for more than a day or two, something is wrong and it falls in the area of Limits. The person may have an ulterior motive, may have made a decision to remove your rightful place as number one.
Law of Limits says watch for a secret violation. Act oblivious and see where the importance goes. Document any violations, any betrayals—but don't let them know. Let them get comfortable with their secret and they will hide less. You can document more. Keep gathering evidence to eventually expose the truth and offer choice.
→ See Session 6: Sanctuary Protocol for overt and covert violations
Unequal Division of Labor
They're not earning their share of family possession (Responsibility) and the relationship needs rebalancing (Respect).
This is a Responsibility violation—they're not earning their share of family possession.
The Critical Shift: Do less. Allow discomfort.
The Law of Responsibility says compensate according to what they earn. The answer is NOT a "reset conversation." The answer is to do less—minimal responsibilities, safe but uncomfortable.
Give less and allow things to go undone, enough for them to protest. Mirror a bit of their attitude. "I'm tired." "Just ask me what you need."
Give what they earn.
This is a gradual process:
You contribute less. The expectations of those who fail to contribute get adjusted. But check that you don't expect more than their capacity to contribute.
You are in love with a weaker person. You are stronger. Give more, do more—but enough for them to see struggle and growth in willingness to contribute. It will feel better. But let them get what they earn by contributing less.
Wait for the earnest approach:
When they come with genuine willingness to contribute—THEN let them design their contribution. Not before. This comes AFTER they feel the gap and approach with earnest desire to help.
Let THEM design their contribution:
Don't assign tasks. Ask: "What parts of running this household are you willing to own completely? Not 'help with'—OWN."
Make a list together. They choose what they're responsible for. Once it's theirs, it's THEIRS.
Watch for expectations—challenging but attainable expectations produce personal growth. That is the best we can do. They will contribute more when they grow stronger.
Let natural consequences teach:
If they own dinner three nights a week and don't do it? The family doesn't eat those nights—or they order pizza and pay for it themselves. You don't rescue.
If they own laundry and don't do it? They run out of clean clothes. Their problem.
The Respect fertilizer:
When they DO step up—even imperfectly—give genuine appreciation.
"Thank you for handling dinner. That made my evening so much better."The Disconnection Spiral
The creation of connection has stopped. Connection isn't something you have—it's something you CREATE.
This is a Talent violation—you've stopped creating together.
Connection isn't something you have—it's something you CREATE. When creation stops, the relationship becomes consumption only (consuming each other's presence without producing anything together).
The shift—stop trying to "fix" and start creating:
Small creations restart the fire:
- Cook a meal together (not for each other—TOGETHER)
- Take a walk with no agenda
- Share something you discovered today
- Create a future together: "What do we want our life to look like in 5 years?"
The Key Insight: It doesn't have to be "create together"
Encourage your partner to create. Be on fire yourself.
When you're lit up with your own creation—your own passion, your own fire—they will miss you. They will thank you. They will miss you soon enough.
Your fire is attractive. Your passion draws them. Don't wait for them to create with you. Create, and let your fire pull them in.
The Respect component:
Filter out the history of disappointment. Don't approach them with "We never connect anymore." That's accusation.
Fertilize the spark when it appears. If they laugh at something you said, don't let it pass. Build on it.
Watch for the monster:
The "monster" in relationships is the pattern of criticism, contempt, and coldness. Every time you approach with complaint, you feed the monster.
The "pearl" is whatever drew you together originally. What did you create together when you were falling in love? Adventures? Laughter? Deep conversations? Dreams?
Volunteer creation:
Don't wait for them to initiate. You go first:
- "I read something interesting today…"
- "I was thinking about that trip we took…"
- "I have an idea I want your opinion on…"
If they don't respond:
That's data. After consistent effort from you without reciprocation, this becomes a Limits conversation: "I'm putting energy into connecting with you, and I'm not feeling it returned. What's happening?"
The Controlling Parent
Your right to make your own decisions is being violated. Your life is YOUR domain now.
This is a Limits violation—they're crossing into territory that belongs to you as an adult.
Your life decisions, your parenting, your marriage—these are YOUR domain now. Their right to direct your life ended when you became an adult.
Step 1: Clarify the limits internally.
What decisions are YOURS? All of them. Your career, your home, your parenting, your relationship—these are no longer your parents' jurisdiction.
Step 2: Set limits without explaining.
You don't need their agreement or understanding. You need behavior change.
"Mom, I've decided how we're handling this with our kids. I'm not open to input on this one."Not: "Well, I read that experts say…" (That invites debate.)
Not: "You're being controlling." (That invites defensiveness.)
Just: "This is decided. Let's talk about something else."
Step 3: The Respect filter when they escalate.
If they cry, guilt, or rage—exclude it. Don't absorb their emotions as your responsibility. They're allowed to feel upset. You're allowed to maintain your limit anyway.
"I can see you're upset. I love you, and my decision stands."Step 4: For the "flying monkeys" (family pressure):
"This is between me and Mom. I'm not discussing it with you."Keep the boundary simple and consistent.
Step 5: The gift of distance when needed.
If they can't respect limits in person, reduce contact until they can. This isn't punishment—it's protection.
"I need some space right now. I'll call you next week."Step 6: Fertilize any respect they DO show.
If they back off, even grudgingly—give importance.
"Thanks for understanding, Mom. Now, tell me about your trip."You're training them: respect gets connection. Disrespect gets distance.
The Sibling Who Takes
They're taking without earning (Responsibility), crossing boundaries (Limits), and if they escalate with screaming, that's also a Respect violation—exclude the tone.
This is a Responsibility violation—they're taking what they haven't earned and not compensating for what they owe.
Step 1: Recognize the pattern.
This isn't a one-time need. It's a pattern. The pattern tells you: helping doesn't help. It enables the cycle to continue.
Step 2: Stop rescuing.
Rescuing isn't love—it's preventing them from facing natural consequences that might actually create change.
"I'm not in a position to help with money right now."Notice: You don't need to explain your finances. You don't need to prove you can't afford it. "I'm not in a position" is complete.
Step 3: For family pressure:
"I've helped [sibling] many times. I'm not the right person to help this time."If they push: "This is my decision. I'm not debating it."
Step 4: If you choose to help—make it Responsibility-based:
"I'll help with rent this month. Here's what I need from you in return: [specific, concrete action]. This isn't a gift—it's an agreement."If they don't fulfill their end? That's the last help they receive. Natural consequences.
Step 5: Separate love from rescue.
You can love your sibling without funding their dysfunction. These are different things.
"I love you, and I'm not able to help with this."Step 6: The Limits and Respect component:
If they escalate—anger, guilt, threats, screaming—set the limit AND apply the Respect filter (exclude the tone):
"I won't continue this conversation while you're speaking to me this way. Call me when you've calmed down."Trapped in the Wrong Job
Your vocation isn't connected to your dreams and gifts. Your work isn't lighting your fire.
This is a Talent violation against yourself—your work isn't lighting your fire.
The Law of Talent says: Your vocation should be tied to your dreams, to what you love to do, to your unique gifts. When work is pure consumption (trading time for money with no creation that matters to you), your soul starves.
Step 1: Don't quit—excavate first.
The first step isn't escape. It's archeology. What DID light your fire? What would you create if money weren't an issue? What problems fascinate you?
Write these down. This is your talent map.
Step 2: Find the spark within your current role.
Even in a job you hate, there are usually moments of engagement. What tasks make time disappear? Which projects felt meaningful? That's data about your talent.
Step 3: Start creating on the side.
While you can't quit immediately, you CAN begin creating what you're meant to create:
- A side project in your real area of interest
- Learning skills for the work you actually want
- Connecting with people in fields that energize you
Step 4: Law of Responsibility—earn the transition:
You can't just abandon your responsibilities. But you CAN work toward a transition:
- Save money to create runway
- Build skills that open new doors
- Create a portfolio of work that demonstrates your real talents
Step 5: Design your Smart Day even within the trap:
Whatever you do today, you'll likely do tomorrow. Even in a job you hate, practice excellent form. Handle your responsibilities with skill. This builds habits of excellence that transfer to work you love.
The timeline:
This isn't fixed overnight. It might take 6 months, a year, two years. But movement toward your vocation is better than resignation to a life of consumption.