Why Families Fight

The Hidden Cause

Family fights have a hidden cause: unintentional violations of fundamental trust rights (safety, possession, belonging, creation). The problem has three parts: lack of knowledge leads to violations, violations trigger automatic aggression, and repeated violations create coercive cycles of fights, arguments, betrayal, and revenge.

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Good Fences Make Good Neighbors

Protective physical force prevents trust rights violations through intelligent "fencing." Three fence components: clear boundary lines, impersonal physical barriers (no one argues with a fence), and sufficient force to stop violations - from simple boundaries to stronger protections where needed. Fences include gates for deliberate invitations.

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Psychological Fences

Families are common areas needing psychological fences. Create three fence properties: clear boundary lines between members' rights, impersonal "pause button" force that stops violations without argument, and friendly enforcement that assumes innocence. Help identify violated trust rights, then restore activities when violation-free behavior is demonstrated.

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Maximizing Fences

Maximize psychological fences across all activities with two tools: "Catch them at being good" when they honor rights - recognition spreads good behavior. "Follow the heat" for problem activities: pause violations, but if kids become aggressive, let it pass, then remove the item later. When they want it back, discuss playing while respecting boundaries.

The Hidden Cause

Family fights have a hidden cause: unintentional violations of fundamental trust rights (safety, possession, belonging, creation). The problem has three parts: lack of knowledge leads to violations, violations trigger automatic aggression, and repeated violations create coercive cycles of fights, arguments, betrayal, and revenge.

Get the Transcript

Good Fences Make Good Neighbors

Protective physical force prevents trust rights violations through intelligent "fencing." Three fence components: clear boundary lines, impersonal physical barriers (no one argues with a fence), and sufficient force to stop violations - from simple boundaries to stronger protections where needed. Fences include gates for deliberate invitations.

Get the Transcript

Psychological Fences

Families are common areas needing psychological fences. Create three fence properties: clear boundary lines between members' rights, impersonal "pause button" force that stops violations without argument, and friendly enforcement that assumes innocence. Help identify violated trust rights, then restore activities when violation-free behavior is demonstrated.

Get the Transcript

Maximizing Fences

Maximize psychological fences across all activities with two tools: "Catch them at being good" when they honor rights - recognition spreads good behavior. "Follow the heat" for problem activities: pause violations, but if kids become aggressive, let it pass, then remove the item later. When they want it back, discuss playing while respecting boundaries.

What’s Next?

Learn more about the 4 LAWS
Learn more about oppositional, defiant children